I realize (despite my youthful good looks) that I am much too old to be watching the MTV Movie Awards, but for some unknown reason that is exactly what I did Sunday night. I further surprised myself by not being prepared for the horrible train wrecks that would occur on the red carpet. I can only rid myself of the agony by sharing it:
The Mullet Dress.
You Left Your Headlights On.
Is that Suzanne Somers?
Photo credit: Bob Charlotte / PR Photos
Photo credit: Mark Davis / MTV / Picturegroup
Wow, this here is a real doozy. Click on over to BuzzFeed for clear instructions on your next DIY octopus hoodie, because... because? I'm so scared for these people. Do not ever go out like this, it could mean your life.
I put the other one behind the jump because it is just so bad, I didn't want it mucking up the blog with all the pretty shoes.
It's pretty important to start your kids off early if you want them to grow up to be douchebags.
Via gap.com. Hey baby! Where's your soul patch??
I'm really liking this new turn that America's Next Top Model is taking—in that they're now actually trying to kill the models. Behold poor Alexandra who pulls a hilarious double FAIL on national TV by slipping down a flight of stairs, and then getting knocked off the runway by a giant swinging gong. (I know... confusing. Just watch.)
FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF ONLY $2,100!!!!!!
*Excuse the Britishism but I just spent a week of staycation watching marathons of Little Britain and practicing bad accents.
Have you heard the micro-economic theory on cupcakes? The cupcake trend (try them instead of a wedding cake!) has created a "cupcake bubble" wherein too many cupcake specialty stores have sprung up to meet what will soon be a diminishing demand in the face of
waffles the next big fad in carb- and sugar-loading. As someone with a virtually non-existent sweet tooth, I don't really care one way or the other, just as long as the cupcake people are willing take this with them on their way out:
Only $175 on Etsy!
While some are calling this outfit "Frankengaga," I think she looks more like a Transformer, if Transformers turned into sofas from Ikea. Your thoughts?
P.S. I don't like her.
I saw a non-hippie girl wearing these barefoot shoes over the summer and didn't think twice about it. But this weekend I saw an attractive, non-hippie guy wearing these and was utterly repulsed. Why am I having such a strong reaction about a dude wearing these shoes, and no volatile lady reaction? Maybe because she was at a park and he was at a bar on a Saturday night? I'm not sure.
Would you accompany someone out in public if they were wearing these?
The sad thing is that the very next thing I am going to do after publishing this post is Facebook-message that link to my aunt, who I can predict with reasonable certainty will purchase at least one pair of Handerpants and give them to my dad for Christmas. Sorry, pops.
This just in via Go Fug Yourself's Emmy Awards fuggage:
I know he has other pressing things to worry about, but the president should just appoint someone to look after his brand. Have you ever seen a good Obama-themed article of clothing? Isn't this something the Project Runway people should get on? I have a pair of Obama socks, and even those suck. They don't breathe at all.
Um... just watch:
…or is that a zombie wearing a reversible "pasty white male nipples" shirt? Anyhoo, Capcom will be giving these beauties away to promote their new Resident Evil video game at Comi-Con next week. (Warning: Those in attendance should prepare to be blinded by pale rolls of flesh.)
Nipple tips to BuzzFeed!
I've considered posting on this issue before, and I've had conversations with several Portland designers about it already. Perhaps I hesitated to publish anything because it seems like it should go without saying that if you're making and selling clothing under your own name that you would want to put the best materials into it. But, well, here's what happened:
Yesterday I busted out a piece that I'd had made to measure from a Portland designer who shall remain nameless. I love the piece, and I bought it because it's a great design—BUT, it has a zipper running all the way up the back, and it's not a YKK, which as far as I can tell if it's not a YKK, it's shit. True to form, as I sat—in public—at a café yesterday, the zipper split, leaving me with the entire back of my outfit hanging open, looking like a jackass. The only thing saving me from indecent exposure was the American Apparel bodysuit I was wearing underneath. I'm going to try to have the zipper replaced, because I really do love the piece, but I'm just putting it out there as a reminder: YKK, all the way.
(photo via Pattern Solutions)
Put on a Snuggie? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? It's like a billion degrees outside! I need something that I can comfortably wear while walking around in the office, or leading staff meetings. Oh, and I don't want to wear underpants either. WHAT SHOULD I BUY??
There are a few things not invited back to this summer (fashion wise) and one of them is HATS. Look, there is absolutely NO REASON to wear a hat in Portland. It's never hot enough to warrant one, and when you signed up to join the rest of us here, you made a solemn vow to never cover your head with ANYTHING. Especially when it's raining.
Anyway, I'm really sick of people wearing those dumb Frank Sinatra hats, and as a general rule, you should never buy or wear anything that can be purchased at a kiosk in the Lloyd Center mall. Don't believe me? Here are some pictures of you wearing stupid hats, so you can see how stupid you look in them.
…and that's exactly why I've decided to start using Jovan Musk for Men as my aftershave of choice. Mmm… can anyone magically transport me back to 1987? THANKS!!
Prom season is just around the corner, and if you're looking for that perfect gown that says, "I would like you to stick your penis in my big pink vagina," I think I've found it!
Terror struck NYC's America's Next Top Model auditions on Saturday when an overheated car inspired some confused person to yell, "BOMB!!" And if you think there's anything more terrifying than hundreds of wannabe Tyra's emitting teakettle whistle screams and trampling you with their fuck-me pumps, then you have quite an imagination. (No need to watch the whole thing.)
And here's the news report of the incident. Please note the pun "not model behavior" is used TWICE, and who's that "regular guy" collecting the model's pictures and phone numbers? Oh! A PERVERT. It is NYC after all.
I have been wiped out for the past couple of days, and perhaps I simply don't have the energy for meanness, but when a coworker instant messaged me with this link to a story (?) making fun of something Miley Cyrus was wearing, it just completely hit me the wrong way.
I don't really know who Cyrus is or what she does (something on TV? Posing for Vanity Fair?), but all I'm seeing here is a teenager in a wacky outfit. Wacky outfits were one of the best things about being a teenager, as far as I'm concerned. Not to get all soapbox-y but is anyone else as over it as I am?
Miley doesn't even know who Iron Maiden is. The bitch probably thinks it's something you buy at Wal-Mart to make grilled cheeses. And even Brit Brit wouldn't be caught flashing her shaved possum pie in those boots.
Meh. I just don't think it's funny anymore. I hardly ever even read Go Fug Yourself these days. Did I mention that today is supposed to be the saddest day of the year? At least we know that tomorrow will be better.
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