Just... DON'T: MOD, Portland Mercury

Dolce & Gabbana Launch Baby Perfume

Elizabeth Mollo — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:44:00 -0800

In the latest "WTF???" news, Dolce & Gabbana has just released a new fragrance, and the intended customer is not even able to walk yet. Baby perfume? REALLY?!?! I thought that designer baby clothes were dumb, but this one takes the cake. Anyone who buys this is an asshole and they don't deserve to be that rich. Not only is buying baby perfume a complete waste of money, why would anyone want to cover up the magnificent smell of a baby? Yes, they do tend to emit less than favorable odors, but the solution is as easy as changing a diaper or giving the baby a bath, after which the naturally fresh baby scent is restored. PLUS, the scent is actually supposed to mimic the smell of baby. So, they are trying to cover up the natural scent of an infant with an artificial version of the scent of an infant? This makes no sense. I guess it's just another case of companies coming up with stupid luxury items that they know stupid rich people will buy.

Via Grazia

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Has Black Milk's Sexy Nerd-Baiting Gone Too Far? Ask This Pair of Gandalf Leggings

Marjorie Skinner — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 09:59:00 -0800

Erik clearly is a subscriber to the Black Milk newsletter, because every time they come up with a way to combine Spandex mini-dresses with his favorite movies, he instantly iChats me. Their latest hits up the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit crowd. It was cute when they did Star Wars, but at this point they are just reprinting movie posters onto the same extremely basic shiny little layering pieces, and it's starting to feel cheap and played:

Amirite?

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Kiss + Kitty

Aris Wales — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 13:29:00 -0800

Just in time for the holidays, Gene and Paul have negotiated another sale of a piece of their souls and Kiss’ glorious legacy. This time, they’ve merged their trademarked likenesses with another shameless self-promoter, Hello Kitty. And judging from the use of logo and song titles, it looks like this is most certainly authorized by the God of Thunder and Starchild themselves.

While the shill of it all might be shocking for some Kiss fans, it’s really a logical step. Hello Kitty is accepted and collected by 12-year-olds to thirtysomethings and no doubt beyond. Plus, the only other franchise that could match Kitty’s eclectic array of items that beare its cuteness is Kiss (FYI, Kiss has Pez this year too.). As depressing as it is, they’re made for each other.

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This Black Friday Shit Has Got to Stop Sometime

Paul Constant — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 14:45:00 -0800

Why even bother closing on Thanksgiving?

Target employees are seeing red after the retailer announced its stores will open at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving night, cutting into holiday time for workers. An online petition asking Target to not open on Thanksgiving has over 179,000 signatures, and the number continues to rise.
...
This year, Walmart, Toys R Us, Kmart, and Sears are all opening their doors at 8 pm Thursday. Together with Target, that's two to four hours before they kicked things off last year.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, because there's so little to it: No costumes, no gifts, very few traditions besides gathering together with loved ones over a meal. I guess it stands to reason that retail chains hate Thanksgiving because there's no money in it for them, so now they're encroaching on the holiday in some disgusting ways. This is just incredibly disappointing.

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Broin’ Out with Men's Summer Fashion: What Not to Do

Kayla Rekofke — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 08:59:00 -0700

I rarely write about men’s fashion because, let’s be real, I am way too obsessed with platform heels, feathers, and sequins. But I can offer a little bit of advice on what not to wear if you’re looking to graduate to a more polished look:

Put down the cargo shorts. I repeat, put the cargo shorts down. I feel like they are just never going to go away. When I see a bro out rocking those terrible multi-pocketed things I just wonder what is in those pockets and why are there so many? I’m not against guys wearing shorts but just keep the silhouette slim and get the right fit for your frame.

Any kind of shirt that reflects the Ed Hardy design aesthetic is an automatic disqualifier. This means nothing with swirly designs, tigers, or any kind of “tattoo like” scribble. When in doubt, reach for a classic white t-shirt. It’s a no-brainer that looks great when kept simple and paired with crisp, dark denim.

If you must wear flip-flops make sure those hooves aren’t looking crusty. I don’t mind the nice leather looking ones from Rainbow, or something similar. You can’t go wrong with squeaky-clean sneakers either.

Sweatpants are not outerwear unless they are Alexander Wang, and I don’t want to see you out in public in sweaties.

Denim is a dude staple, but don’t go wrong with awkward fading and that bleachy looking style. Opt for a classic pair that can be worn every day for any occasion. I’d recommend splurging on one pair that will last forever and only get better with age. A.P.C. and Wings +Horns make great guy-approved jeans that are def worth the price.

Hit the break and click to shop my picks for summer that won't land you on the worst dressed list!

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Kanye West and Urban Outfitters Continue to Make Horrible Decisions

Elizabeth Mollo — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:56:59 -0700

Perusing the internet yesterday morning I came across two stories that made me want to throw up my breakfast. The first being the Kanye West and Nike collaboration:

Honestly, the basic bones of the shoes are kind of cool, but the strap across the top and the ridges on the back, that make me think of nothing else but a triceratops (and not in a cool way) are killing me. Would you wear this shoe or is it another fail by Kanye?

The next story concerns Urban Outfitters, who can't seem to go a month without causing some sort of uproar, (remember this, this, and this?) The quasi hipster retailer is now selling Mitt Romney t-shirts, which I just don't get. I don't know any hipster Republicans, do you? Considering their contributions to the Santorum campaign, this just seems to me to be a Romney endorsement thinly veiled in irony. They also offer Obama and Ron Paul t-shirts, but the sheer number of different designs and the designs themselves lend me to believe that UO believes in Romney's "Amercia." Thoughts?

Sources: elle.com and brokelyn.com

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Bridal UGGs? OH HELL NO

Marjorie Skinner — Wed, 23 May 2012 14:19:55 -0700

Fuck this:

And this:

And especially this:

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Tori Spelling Ruins Everything

Marjorie Skinner — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 09:29:00 -0700

This doesn't look good at all: It has been announced that TLC is introducing a new show in order to perpetuate the voluntary humiliation of average citizens that has become a disturbing bulk of our culture's entertainment. Firstly, it is called Craft Wars, because fucking everything has to be a fight now. Secondly, it is going to be hosted and executive produced by Tori Spelling, whose claim to fame is still that her daddy gave her a job on a (awesome) teen soap opera, but I guess she writes books full of drivel now or something, too.

“I love how crafting gives you the opportunity to really express yourself and show your creativity,” Tori said in Thursday’s announcement. “It’s an amazing outlet…nothing shows love more than homemade.”

Inspiring words, now... FIGHT! WAR! Etc. Once again I'll make a futile plea to the massive craft community in Portland: Do not wind up on this show. Because if you do, I will watch it, and it will be a significantly bigger pain in the ass to try and find someone to let me watch it at their house (I killed my TV, I'm a dirtfoot hippie, etc) than Project Runway already is.

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Here Are Those Terrible Nail Polishes You Ordered!

Erik Henriksen — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 12:06:38 -0800

Finding any logic behind Hollywood's increasingly desperate dependence on marketing tie-ins is a fool's game (Dr. Seuss would be delighted, I'm sure, if he knew the Lorax is now an SUV salesman), which perhaps explains why two of this year's biggest movie releases decided a little while ago to eh, fuck it, let's just cash in on that lucrative nail polish market. Introducing The Amazing Spider-Man nail polish and The Hunger Games nail polish!

First! Here's Spidey's new look for for spring:

And here's what all the most adorable pint-sized murderers in this year's Hunger Games will be wearing:

Okay. So. Sorry to backtrack, but reading "IN'SPIDER'ED BY THE HOTTEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR" is the sort of thing that makes me want to become illiterate. Also, as embarrassing/sexist as the names for the Spider-Man nail polishes are (from here on out, I'll be referring to all things that are white as actually being "My Boyfriend Scales Walls"), don't forget that the names for the The Hunger Games' colors have been changed from their original versions. Here's what the nail polishes were named when they were first announced:

Ah, yes—"Catnip"! Because, you see, that sounds sort of kind of like "Katniss," the name of the The Hunger Games' heroine!

Also I guess I got distracted by the stupid names and forgot for a second that Spider-Man is about a teenage boy who gets super-powers and doesn't really wear a lot of nail polish. And The Hunger Games is about downtrodden children brutally slaughtering each other in a devastated, impoverished America where the only people who care about fashion are the one-percenters who use plastic surgery to mangle their bodies into post-human abominations. Details, details, I know.

(Puts away nerd self-righteousness, returns to cherished Monday ritual of silently weeping while reading comic books and YA novels alone in a studio apartment)

Via io9, ComicBookMovie, bellasugar, and Racked.

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Here's that Fashion Internship You Haven't Been Looking For

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:17:17 -0800

According to Buzzfeed (via freefashioninternships.com) fashion house Natasha Morgan posted this help wanted ad for a "Personal Assistant to the Designer" which is terrible enough without the highlighted sections that point out numerous grammatical errors and possible/probable illegalities. Hands off, bitch! This is MY job!

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Well, That's One Way to Do It: Anti-Fur Activist Attempts to Hire Hit Man

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:27:48 -0800

Jezebel reports on the anti-fur activist who attempted to hire an assassin on Facebook (where else?) that would murder anyone caught outside her house wearing fur. But before you fly off and call her totally nuts, the 27-year-old Ohio resident Meredith Marie Lowell said she would prefer that the victim be "over 14 years old." Another restriction? According to the FBI, the fur-wearing victim "should not be anyone I currently know and definitely should not be anyone my family knows." Hmmm... that's a lot of restrictions for somebody who only wanted to pay... $850 for the hit?? That wouldn't even buy a Silver Fox Fur Wrap! From Jezebel:

Fortunately, after her post on Facebook, the FBI caught on to her, and an agent posed as a potential killer-for-hire. In a series of emails he exchanged with Lowell—who posted under the name "Anne Lowery"—she became more and more explicit about what she wanted. She said the killing should take place across from a playground near her house, and she wanted to be there when it happened to hand out "papers" about the fur industry.

Ummm... yeah. SHE WAS ARRESTED. (Cuckoo! Cuckoo!) Read the rest here.

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Please Explain Why One Would Waste A Week of Their Life For This Sneaker

Marjorie Skinner — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:14:00 -0800

I love—I mean love—shoes, and I have all my life. It is with embarrassing frequency that I remember the shoes someone was wearing when we met, and not their name. And yet, sneaker collecting as a worthwhile hobby totally escapes me. It is a world in which the ugliest objects are the most prized, and in which "foamposite" isn't something that needs to be lanced:

Horrible, right? And yet, 80 people are currently camping outside a New York Foot Locker in anticipation of the privilege of forking over $220 for them. "I’m losing a whole paycheck to come here," declared one Henry Albarez. "We have peanut butter, beef jerky and like, five liters of water.” They tried to put up tents, but the police nixed 'em. Note: it is currently 42˚ in NYC.

Apparently, the motley crew of sneaker freaks arrived on Saturday, and have been waiting outside ever since, in order to snap up one of Nike‘s new Foamposite Galaxy shoe. To be clear, the shoe does not arrive stores until Friday. Yep, as in almost a week away from when they began camping out.

Wow, that's really gonna suck, especially without any semblance of shelter. So there must be something pretty great about it.

In all fairness, these aren’t your regular sneaks: The Foamposite Galaxy costs $220, is made out of high tech ultra-durable foamposite material and has a sole that glows in the dark. According to the paper, “the waxed canvas upper allegedly simulates an astronaut’s training suit.”

Nope. Still don't get it. Explain.

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Fuze It

Marjorie Skinner — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:59:00 -0800

Danger danger! Warning warning! Don't let this terrible-sounding event that just came across my desk happen to you!

Firstly, it's called Fuze It.

It appears to be one of those vague, awesomely out of touch monstrosities that occasionally bursts forth from Los Angeles on a nationally touring rampage of ridiculous claims. This one purports to be "The Ultimate Fashion, Art, and Music Experience," and seeks to cull together/exploit naively aspiring artists, models and musicians from the Portland area. "For participants, the event serves as a stepping-stone to either jump-start their aspiring career or make their existing career shine," etc, etc. The participating suckas are, of course, TBD, but the lady who emailed me the press release has helpfully informed me that "the fashion show will feature some of the latest looks from Forever 21." Tickets to attend? $20.

Yeah... no.

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Today in "Moist Heat"

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:44:42 -0800

If there's one thing your tired, achey feet love, it's "moist heat." AMIRITE? That's why you need to get your moist booty in gear and buy these hot, moist Hot Booties™ microwavable slippers. The latest in technological moist technology make these Hot Booties™ the moistest, hottest slippers your cold, moist-less feet have ever felt! So what are you waiting for? Get hot, get moist... get hot, moist Hot Booties™! THEY'RE MOIST!

Hat tips to Marissa, via Refinery 29.

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Yet Another PDX Designer on a Reality Show

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:30:22 -0800

As you know, you can't swing a Chanel bag in this town without hitting a designer who's appearing or has appeared on a fashion reality show. Tonight yet another PDX designer hops onto your TV screen; Tony Peniche who may have a bit of a questionable design past, but has nevertheless shown much improvement. He's on a brand new show debuting tonight at 10 pm on Lifetime entitled 24 Hour Catwalk—which sounds like an evening in Amsterdam's red light district, but it's not. In this show, designers are given the near impossible task of building an entire collection in 24 hours. THIS IS A STUPID IDEA FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, AND HAS NO REASON TO EXIST. On the other hand? A little spoiler bird tells us that Tony causes a heapin' helpin' of trouble in tonight's episode... so.... fuck it, let's pop some corn and watch.

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Raccoon Dogs Skinned Alive to make Fake Uggs

Kayla Rekofke — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:45:58 -0700

Fake Uggs or Fuggs are nothing new to fashion industry, but the UK Sun has found shocking and horrific video footage of Asian raccoon dogs being skinned alive to make cheap copies of the once popular boot. As if you needed another reason to not wear Uggs or fake Uggs. Click here to see the disturbing story.

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Someone Stole Lea Michele's Ascot

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 15:41:42 -0800

Hmm. Apparently Glee's Lea Michelle likes the letter "V."

Thank you, Lea... but I believe we've seen enough.
via

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Is it Porn if it Was Sketched in Life Drawing Class?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 12:56:01 -0800

Ohhhhhh, American Apparel—you've done it again. Check out their newest ads which forgo real-life, awkwardly posed nymphets for hand-drawn models (by Hustler Barely Legal artist Boris Lopez) and are more NSFW-ier than ever! (I suppose these are ohhhhhkay—but R. Crumb did it better.) To see AA's latest shame in all it's graphite glory, HIT THE JUMP.

via

I'd say the gal in this last one is like 15-years-old tops, right?

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Rude Awakening

Marjorie Skinner — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:35:53 -0700

I'm at the office today early (no, like early). I was making my customary pass through favorite street style sites, and when I opened this one, I was greeted by this encapsulation of everything I hate/find hilarious about men's fashion:

It's way to early for this shit.

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Glee-Inspired Clothing Inspires Me to Vomit

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:05:08 -0700

I love Glee. I love clothing. I don't like Glee clothing. At least not this Glee clothing. I want to see less Glee clothing. Especially on Glee cast members. Extra especially Puck. Yummm... Puck. But I digress. From USA Today:

The fashion line, which will be available exclusively at Macy's starting Sunday, features T-shirts, fashion tops and hoodies priced from $19.99-$34.99. There's even a copy of a Cheerio uniform top for the ultimate Sue Sylvester idolizer.

I'm sorry, but as a society, we cannot allow this. I've seen better silk screens performed by a dying fish coated in paint. Today Macy's—tomorrow the Dollar Store.

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"Worst Fashion."

Eden Dawn — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:00:00 -0700

In an attempt to procrastinate from the massive list of things I have to do as a professor, a fabric designer, someone who is about to move, and someone who has a “To Do” list with 37 items that need completed in the next two days, I did a very logical thing. I Googled the words “worst fashion.” The image results were interesting/borderline offensive but these are some highlights I particularly enjoyed. Do I have to go back to work now?

Photos: Google Images

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Demerits.

Eden Dawn — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 11:46:30 -0700

At my day job as a fashion instructor, students delight in sending me fashion atrocities off the web. I believe my affirmation of their awfulness helps validate their fears—in this case, the fear of bad jeans. Refinery 29 compiled a list of some of the worst denim disasters that I would love to hand out demerits to. Be afraid!

Photos Courtesy: Refinery 29

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Not Ok.

Eden Dawn — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 10:14:28 -0700

I realize (despite my youthful good looks) that I am much too old to be watching the MTV Movie Awards, but for some unknown reason that is exactly what I did Sunday night. I further surprised myself by not being prepared for the horrible train wrecks that would occur on the red carpet. I can only rid myself of the agony by sharing it:

The Mullet Dress.

You Left Your Headlights On.

Uhhhhhhh What.

Is that Suzanne Somers?

Photo credit: Bob Charlotte / PR Photos
Photo credit: Mark Davis / MTV / Picturegroup

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Hoodie Beat! Octopus Edition

Marjorie Skinner — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 10:18:31 -0700

Wow, this here is a real doozy. Click on over to BuzzFeed for clear instructions on your next DIY octopus hoodie, because... because? I'm so scared for these people. Do not ever go out like this, it could mean your life.

I put the other one behind the jump because it is just so bad, I didn't want it mucking up the blog with all the pretty shoes.

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My Baby, My Douchebag

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 09:07:30 -0700

It's pretty important to start your kids off early if you want them to grow up to be douchebags.

Via gap.com. Hey baby! Where's your soul patch??

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