Would it be inappropriate to introduce my girlfriend to the kink/swinger scene if I plan to break up with her? I’ve been unhappy for a decade, but I’ve been able to fake the funk until pretty recently. I’ve been failing at that lately and the lack of sex is making her unhappy, as she has a huge sexual appetite. I’m considering joining a kink/swinger club to satisfy her needs while I’m unable. I’m honestly turned on by the idea of watching her with someone else and I’ve told her this, but she worries that the reality of seeing me with someone else will be too much for me and it’ll damage our relationship. Which means, if I do get her to join the kink/swinger club and break up with six months later, she’ll assume I broke up with her because seeing her with someone else broke me somehow. I don’t want her to think she made a mistake by going to a sex club with me. The real reason we are still together is that our child — legally her child (and now legally an adult) — is in a special program only offered through the school system in our ritzy suburb. This program is preparing him to live independently. I’m also working to pay off the credit card debt she built up over the years, so she can actually afford to live on her own once we split. The plan is to have her debt paid off by the time he graduates and then asking her to move out. In the meantime, I’d like her to be sexually satisfied. And while I’m no longer attracted to her, she is a sweet person and I want the best for her.
Long Over And Done
You could point to the publication of your letter in my column prior to your visit to the kink/swinger club with your girlfriend — provided you can convince your girlfriend to visit that kink/swinger club — as proof that going to the kink/swinger club didn’t doom your relationship… as it was already doomed. That will be cold comfort to your girlfriend, LOAD, but the existence of this letter does demonstrate that the breakup was premeditated and not a reaction to seeing your girlfriend with another man.
Now, describing something as “premeditated” makes it sounds bad, I realize, but it’s a positive in this context. It always sucks to get dumped, of course, and the realization your ex was planning to dump you for months or years can add to the humiliation and pain. But no one wants to get dumped at the worst possible time, e.g., right before a big family event or when they’re finishing their dissertation or when their credit is in the toilet and their kid’s future hangs in the balance. So, an ex who held off  — the long-term partner who waited for a better moment (or less awful moment) to end things — did us a favor, even if it’s hard for us to admit or recognize.
So, LOAD, making sure your girlfriend’s debt is paid off and that her son (your son) gets the best possible start before ending things is absolutely the right thing to do — and good on you — but I’m not convinced the kink/swinger club proposal is coming from the same place of pure altruism. Still, if you think convincing her to attend a kink/swinger club might actually revive your sex life — if seeing her with someone else might make you wanna fuck her again (and it might) — it could have a positive impact and might even save your relationship.
If going to kink/swinger clubs revives your sex life with your girlfriend… and if your sex life is your only point of conflict (it’s the only problem you mention in your letter)… you might not need or want to break up with her after all.
