The Mercury 2024 Sex Survey Results!

First things first, PORTLANDERS ARE THE SEXIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. And we prove it every damn year with the Mercury's annual SEX SURVEY, in which we ask you (the sexy person I mentioned earlier) how you do it, where you do it, and who you're doing it to! (In addition to the toys you're using during this entire process.)

Before we get down to spilling all of Portland's dirtiest secrets, here are some things you should know: A whopping 1,477 people filled out this year's survey—which is THREE TIMES MORE than the number of people surveyed in those bullshit Portland-hating polls put out by the city's business alliance and those shitheads in People for Portland. (Two organizations who never get any sex, by the way, and for very good reason.) ANYWAY. What follows are the highlights (according to me) from this year's Mercury sex survey, but if you're one of those data-driven people who are hot to know EVERYTHING, then you can read all the results and percentages of our survey right here!

Okay, prepare to be shocked, scandalized, and impossibly horny... because HERE. WE. GO.

WHO YOU ARE

As usual, the majority of our survey-takers are straight folks (48%), with those who identify as bisexual coming in second at 18%, queers taking third place with 11%, and gay folk/pansexuals more or less tying at 8%. And whoa... shout out to our lesbian readers who really showed up this year, clocking in at a whopping 3% as opposed to last year when only a scant 2% filled out our survey! (Apparently we're making some serious inroads with the lesbian community!)

Horny cis dudes made up the majority of our survey-takers (45%), followed by sexy cis ladies (37%), and fun-lovin' non-binary folks (8%)—who also made a stronger showing this year. (Note: As we know, gender—as well as horniness—exists on a spectrum.) Oh, and speaking of spectrums, the majority of you are unsurprisingly Democrats (46%), followed by Socialists (21%), Independents (13%), Anarchists (7%), and waaaaaay down at the bottom are the Republicans (3%) who, as you know, are not allowed to think about or have sex and are therefore violating the terms of their sexless contracts by even taking this survey.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS

The majority of those who took this survey are currently in a relationship: 35% of you are married, while 25% are enjoying the glorious, unbridled freedom of single life. (I'm not jealous... YOU'RE jealous!!) Of all those relationships, 52% are monogamous, while 14% practice non-monogamy, and 11% consider themselves "monogam-ish."

BUT CHECK THIS SHIT OUT: When asked what their preferred status would be, a much larger number of people (26%) whispered in my ear that they would very much like their relationship to become "monogam-ish." So here's your assignment for tonight: Gather the kids and your extended family together, and let them know that you and your partner intend to start fucking the Wilsons across the street. (Trust me, they'll understand... the Wilsons are super hot.)

YOUR SEX LIFE (AND YOU)

Here is perhaps THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION (to you anyway) that we asked in this year's sex survey: "How many people have you had sex with?" While it's certainly not a competition... of course it's a competition! Does that make us bad people? Absolutely not. The drive to have "the most" is just another shitty byproduct of living in a late-stage capitalistic society, where everyone feels like a failure if they don't have "the most." So don't be ashamed of wanting "the most," while also realizing that the number of sex partners you've had "is enough."

Besides, there's no way you've had more sex partners than me, because my body count is super impressive. 

But back to you! A majority of Portlanders (27%) have had fewer than 25 sex partners, while 26% of you have had fewer than 10 play pals. But let's dig a bit deeper to see who (as a group) is having the most sex. (Again, there are no "winners" and "losers" here... but I will be ranking each group with trophies.)

WHO HAS THE MOST SEX?

STRAIGHT PEOPLE = 🏆 (It's a tie between those who say they've had fewer than 10 partners and fewer than 25 sex parters at 31% each)

LESBIAN PEOPLE = 🏆🏆 (38% say they've had fewer than 25 sex partners)

BISEXUAL PEOPLE = 🏆🏆🏆 (The majority—26%—have had fewer than 50 partners)

PANSEXUAL/OMNISEXUAL PEOPLE = 🏆🏆🏆🏆 (An impressive 32% have had less than 50 partners)

GAY PEOPLE = 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 (49% say they've had more than 100 partners!!)

Sooooooooo... if you're the type of person that says, "I don't get enough sex," well, there could be a reason for that! (But it also depends on how old you are. According to our survey, each age group reported adding more sex partners for every decade they've lived. So I guess the most efficient way to have more sex is to be more old and more gay.)

Another very interesting thing about YOU: When it comes to what "role" you take on in the sack, 28% of you consider yourselves "bottoms," 30% think of yourselves as a "top," and the majority of you (38%) are "vers" or happy to go either way. But what if you identify as a top, who only wants to find an enthusiastic bottom in Portland? There are more of you than there are of them! Welp, once again I'm here to save the day, because according to our sister publication, The Stranger in Seattle, who also did a sex survey, our northern neighbors have a majority of bottoms, and a minority of tops! So you know what that means... ROOOOOOAD TRIIIIIIP! 🚗

On a related topic, YOU ARE KINKY. And speaking of Seattle, you share a nearly identical fascination with particular types of kinks. So what are Portland's top kinks (and you can certainly have more than one... and do)? BEHOLD: YOUR TOP TEN KINKS!

Nipple Play (55%) • Submission (53%) • Spanking (52%) • Bondage (45%) • Domination (44%) • Group Sex (43%) • Voyeurism (41%) • Exhibitionism (41%) • Blindfolds (39%) • Rimming (32%) 

Those kinks are pretty different from what you said in the 2023 sex survey... here are your top five kinks from last year: 1) Spanking, 2) Bondage, 3) Submission, 4) Blindfolds, 5) Voyeurism. You are really expanding your repertoire, and I love it!

Something else we all love: masturbation. (My segues are on fire today, btw.) The majority of you masturbate twice a week or more (39%), while 20% are flicking the bean a few times a month, and 18% of you horny buggers are whipping the noodle every damn day! (What? How do you people find the time to call your grandmother... wait. Don't answer that.)

Besides masturbating, Portlanders really love their sex toys. So how does your personal tool box compare with others around town? Let's find out:

And what about threesomes? Well, check this out: When we asked whether or not you've ever engaged in a threesome, it was practically a statistical tie (50.3% yes, 49.69% no) between those who have and have not! The good news is that if you're in the NO camp, but want to be in the YES camp, there seem to be a lot of people who are ready to play. (Maybe start with the Wilsons next door. As previously mentioned, they are exceedingly fuckable.)

And what about orgies? There are much more significant differences in this arena, with an overwhelming 73% saying they have not dabbled in group sex, while only 27% who have. (I get it... it's tough enough to find a third person without also having to talk Mr. Wilson into it.)

LET'S TALK... SEXUAL ETHICS

Well... this is an awkward question: "Have you ever cheated on a partner sexually?" And while 54% of you said "WHAT?? NO!! How dare you even ask such a question?!?" 🙄, 41% admitted that you had cheated on a partner at least once in your life. And as for the 5% of you who answered "I'm not sure"... well, as the saying goes, "If you have to ask, you probably did!"

But, but, BUT! Just because there are those who will admit to cheating in an anonymous survey, it doesn't mean they'd confess to their partner. When asked if those who had cheated had told their partner about it, a wide majority (63%) was like, "Oh, HELL no!" But don't worry! I'm sure your partner would never, ever lie to you! 😁

Oh, and here's a potentially very sticky sexual wicket: Sleeping with a co-worker. HEY, IT HAPPENS. And while the majority of you (53%) admitted that you banged someone at the office, a whopping 83% rightly chose a colleague to shtup, rather than the boss, which never ends well. (Note to my boss: Don't fire me for saying that.)

Now let's talk about dirty pictures and the sluts (like you and me ❤️) who send them over the phone or internet. While the majority of you (39%) are not firing off pics of your junk to your significant other, those who do are generally sending photos of their chest, dick, "everything all at once," or butt (in that order of preference). But let's check in on the folks who do NOT send filthy pics and why they feel that way. Here's what we know: The survey takers who DON'T enjoy sexting tend to be over the age of 36, straight, and Republican (though Democrats aren't too far behind)... which may go to show why 21-year-old gay anarchists have the most fun!

Okay, I've been putting this off... but it's time for the most controversial question in this year's sex survey:

THE JEREMY ALLEN WHITE QUESTION

Now, normally I am not a judgmental person. (Stop laughing!) However, I am sincerely at a loss of words over your answer for the following question:

"On a scale of 1-10 (with 1 being not much at all and 10 being VERY), how horny are you for The Bear's Jeremy Allen White?"

When posed with the above question, the average person taking our survey rated him a "5.2". 

A "5.2"?

A "5.2"? 

A MOTHERFUCKING 5-point MOTHERFUCKING 2???

Are you people out of your freaking minds? Are you unable to process what you're seeing with what I presume to be normal, working eyes? Or are you just being fashionably obstinate in a cruel (and ultimately stupid and pointless) attempt to drive me INSANE??

A "5.2"?? Really?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? It was a very simple question: You were asked to correctly rate what is CLEARLY the horniest photo of this (or perhaps any) era, and the best you could come up with is 5-point fucking 2? A 5.2 rating for anything is a "meh" at best!

What ridiculous standard are you living by to make you think that the above photo only rates a "meh"?? Do you look at the Eiffel Tower and say, "Pfffft... I've seen better Eiffel Towers"? Do you look at pictures of the distant Andromeda Galaxy and shrug, saying "Ehhhhh... sorry, but the universe just isn't that impressive"? And according to your ridiculous cynical standards, what would Beyoncé rate? A 3.7?? Do you see what you're doing? You are basically assigning the exact same value judgement to Jeremy Allen White as you would a McDonald's Filet-o-Fish sandwich! So I have six words for you: GET. YOUR. FUCKING. PRIORITIES. IN. ORDER.

(Note to anyone who correctly rated Jeremy Allen White as an 8.5 or better: I'm sorry you were lumped in with the straight cis dudes who, on average, gave Jeremy a 3.2 rating, which completely skewed the results of this question thanks to their blind ignorance. They will not be invited to participate in any future survey without first submitting a written apology for their actions. Rant over.)

BACK TO THE FUN SEXY STUFF!

Before we get to how many of you like fucking in cars, I should probably apologize for the ferocity I exhibited in the Jeremy Allen White section above. While I am absolutely right, and those who gave Jeremy an 8.4 or below are absolutely and objectively wrong, educating oneself is a lifelong journey and I wish all these people the best of luck in pursuing an outlook that does not keep them from recognizing the horny perfection that exists right in front of their eyes. Have a great day!

Okay, NOW let's get to how many of you like to fuck in cars. (Turns out... A LOT!)

A sizable number of you also like to have sex in public places, with the top spots being outdoor parks (40%), sex clubs (31%), movie theaters and/or music venues (11%), and downtown parking garages (10%). Who says downtown Portland is "dead"? Sounds pretty exciting to me! (Oh, speaking of which, an impressive 27 people reported having sex in Commissioner Rene Gonzalez's front yard. Warning: Don't get too hot—you might set something on fire! 😇)

Also it's a Mercury sex survey tradition to play a quick game of "Fuck, Marry, Kill" and (unlike the Jeremy Allen White question, which I will probably not mention again) you absolutely nailed this answer. The results:

FUCK = Jesus Christ

MARRY = Santa Claus

KILL = Easter Bunny

(I would be very concerned if you wanted to fuck the Easter Bunny.)

And finally, to prove once and for all that Portlanders are the most sexually creative people in the country, here are your top examples for the write-in question, "What's the sexiest thing you did in 2023?" Buckle up, it's about to get nutz:

Very quiet, steamy sex in a tent surrounded by people • Fucked against a floor-to-ceiling window over a busy street • Boned too many guys to count in a Saigon bath house • Two hookups one night (one was with my boss) • Multiple threesomes with my husband and our male best friend • Opening my marriage • Sex seven times in a day • Had a foursome with my two partners and one of their best friends at a sex club • Took a day off from work to fulfill my partner’s fantasy with an array of giant dildos • Dressed as Scully and had my pencil skirt ripped off by my partner (dressed as Mulder) • I learned to stop worrying and love my non-binary self • Orgy with 15 people • I went to my first sex club, where my partner fucked me in front of strangers (I came twice) • Girlfriend used a dildo in my ass while traveling in Cozumel • Sex in a tree in a public park at night •  I hooked up with a stranger at a wedding on a hay bale under the moonlight • Got fingered on a bar patio on a first date • Watched Saltburn • Started attending organized circle jerks • Found a partner who loves to eat me out • Fucked a 51-year-old married cop who had a huge dick • Made potatoes au gratin • Gave my partner the remote to my butt plug • Nude snowboarding photoshoot • Cut my hair and made more eye contact • Had sex with an archbishop from LA • Practiced kindness on the internet

WOW! If that's what you all did in 2023, I can't wait to hear what you accomplish in 2024! Thanks for taking this year's Mercury Sex Survey, and if you want to see all the results, click right here! (Oh and if you're truly a sexy person, get your tickets now for Volume 1 of the 2024 HUMP! film fest, featuring a lot of cinematic depictions of what you've read about here, and tons of stuff you haven't even thought of! It runs from March 1 to March 15, and will undoubtedly inspire lots of sexy adventures in the coming year! 😉)